You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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