so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
