He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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