we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
