fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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