My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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