just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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