I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
