he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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