I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
