i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
