There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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