in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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