Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Randomize
