The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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