i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
