At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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