Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
