I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
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