I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
