My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
