Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
