im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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