my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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