youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
