guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
