but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
