shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
