Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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