so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
