So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
