I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
