Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize