i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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