Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she pinky promised me she was 18
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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