i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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