I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
