If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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