ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
