from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
