I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
