I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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