the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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