So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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