Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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