This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You ate ashes out of my bong
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
