I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sext me about skeletons
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
