There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
