"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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