watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
