mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
