So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
