The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it's like iHOP with fire
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
