I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
