Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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