He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
