I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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