So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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