but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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