While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
