Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize