I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
