May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
