Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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